23 and a Virgin

hmm..where do I start. I am 23, indian, student, homosexual, living in boston and still a virgin.

I knew I was different right from the time I was born:) I used to imagine hot guys when I was in my 5th grade (isn't it too earlier!!). So I cannot but believe that I was born gay.

Having brought up in india, its considered derogatory if u say u are gay. So I never brought it up with anyone and had absolutely no love life. I diverted my mind into academics and made achievement my obsession. Afterall, if not love I needed something in my life! and that was success. I made it a point to be successful in everything I did. Then I had a new obsession: Getting into all the top universities in US for my grad studies. Being a 20 year old, which should other wise be loving someone, I directed all my anger at my non-starter love life to achieve my new obsession. I finally got that too. Now being at one of the best univs, I spent the last two years being the best here.

Now all that obsession and so called achievement seems pointless. I want some one to share my life with. I want to share my joy, sorrow, be a part of someone's life, share their sorrow, joy. This now seems really unachieveable. Finally here is something I cannot get. Its love matter so obsession doesnot work.

If u think being gay is hard, being a gay Indian is hell. Afterall, u are supposed to marry to a nice indian girl and have kids and nice job and wrk ur ass off educating ur kids. But where do I fit in this Indian social requirement? This is a social constraint to make me feel unwanted or feel that I am not normal? I believe that god made me gay or my genes turned out to be gay because I am special in his world.

But why would God make me gay and throw me in a Indian society which does not get the idea of what a gay person is? Sample this: my father thinks that "Gayism" is something foreign to indian society and introduced by muslims!!! Can u believe it? Muslims and introducing gays?
So you might say that my father is a old generation. Sample this: My best friend from a top univ in India thinks that gay is unnatural and perversive. Mind you he is one of the most open Indian guys I know.

So has my life improved after coming to USA? I would rather say it got worst. I mean I can actually see gays who are open and happy. And here I am cannot be openly gay since I love my parents so have to look for another closeted gay who is looking for love/smething long term. But wait I am supposed to be typical desi guy here. I am supposed to be feeling that any random chick who crosses the road is super-hot just because she is white. I am supposed to be hanging out with other desi guys and trying to fulfil the american dream of getting laid with white chicks. Seriously I think these guys are just kidding themselves. Not every chick is hot jsut because she is white. Color has nothing to do with hotness! It the whole thing which matter: Confidence, intelligence, the way she/he handles herself/himself.

Anyways I digressed again. The point is I see gays who are happy and cannot even have a relation with any guy. So u might say how hard is it find other indian gay guys who are closeted and who want something long term. Believe me it is impossible. For one, gay guys are guys so they are looking for quick sex (I find that hard to believe but learnt it the hard way).
All they want is super-discreet relations with no string attached. They claim to be bi and having a gf and wanting some "friend". They want to be a "special" friend (whatever that means) but would freak out if u call an outing a "date".

But in the meanwhile, I am 23 and still a virgin trying to find that guy for me whom I can cuddle with and share my life with. Sounds unattainable for now. So for now will get back to my obsession filled life and be pretend to be happy in my little love-less life.